One day after my Writing for TV and Film course, a group of students started discussing a film short they were working on. I was fascinated with their enthusiasm. I thought, “Where there’s passion, there’s a story.” That incident inspired me to write Parker Grove.
ACT I
INT. THE MANSION BALLROOM -- NIGHT
The ballroom is palatial with a high ceiling, crystal
chandeliers, walls covered with expensive paintings, and
enough bling to make Donald Trump green with envy.
A party is in progress. A small army of waitstaff carries
around trays of champagne and hors d'oeuvres.
The partygoers are insanely beautiful, elegantly dressed
people in their 20s and 30s.
Something had happened moments earlier, causing the party to
screech to a halt. TREVOR, his wife EVE, and the fiery
redheaded MINDY are the center of the room. Everyone is
staring at the trio, astonished and embarrassed.
MINDY
Tell him, Eve. TELL HIM, OR I WILL.
TREVOR
Tell me what?
Eve hesitates, unwilling to speak.
MINDY
TELL HIM!
EVE
Trevor, the baby--
TREVOR
What?
EVE
--the baby--isn't yours.
TREVOR
WHAT? Whose is it?
EVE
It's...it's Clark's.
Everyone looks at Clark. He is standing next to his wife,
Carol.
CAROL
You...YOU SON OF A BITCH!
Carol swings her arm way back, then reverses her swing back
forward to deliver a stinging slap on Clark's face.
HAROLD/CLARK
OW. GODDAM, JOYCE!
STEPHEN (O.S.)
SHIT! Cut. CUT. CUT!!!
JOYCE/CAROL
For Christ's sake, Harold, I barely
touched you.
HAROLD/CLARK
Well, maybe I'm a little sensitive
after getting clocked all night
long because you can't remember
your fucking lines.
INT. PARKER GROVE SET - NIGHT
The prior scene is from the "Parker Grove" show in its final,
polished CGI-enhanced form, just as viewers will eventually
see it. Now we are in the stark day-to-day reality where this
illusion is crafted.
The vaulted ceiling, chandeliers, and beautiful wall bling
are all gone, replaced by boom mikes and green-screen panels.
The crew swarms over the set performing various tasks.
Facing the set, director STEPHEN sits in his chair. Assistant
director JOCELYN sits next to him. A monitor in front of them
shows the camera view of the party scene.
STEPHEN
GODDAM, could you two please stop?
Someone bring me a bottle of
Tylenol and a glass of bourbon.
JESUS...FUCKING...CHRIST!
CREWMAN
Ya want us to reset?
STEPHEN
NO, GODDAMMIT, I don't want you to
reset. Break for tonight. We'll
start again in the morning.
A chorus of moans is heard through the room.
STEPHEN (CONT'D)
Hey, if you don't want to do 20
takes, get the goddamn scene right.
Get out of here and see your
families, or cheat on your spouses,
or whatever. Just be back here by
6.
The actors start shuffling off the set.
INT. ADJACENT TO THE SET -- CONTINUOUS
The actors walk toward their dressing rooms.
JOYCE/CAROL
Christ, what a cluster fuck.
Harold is still rubbing his cheek.
HAROLD/CLARK
Look on the bright side--trades are
sayin' we won't even finish the
season.
AMY/MINDY pulls off her red wig, revealing her dark hair
pinned up underneath.
AMY/MINDY
I could have told you our days are
numbered from the amount of hate
mail I've been getting.
JOYCE/CAROL
What? Are you getting more hate
mail?
AMY/MINDY
No, I'm getting LESS--a LOT less.
Or, rather, SHE is. Mindy used to
get bales of it every day. I can't
believe I miss it. Now, I'm lucky
if I get ten a day. Oh, god, I need
a drink...
INT. -- THE PARKER GROVE SET - CONTINUOUS
The crew finishes up and exits. The set goes dark except for
the area over where Stephen and Jocelyn are still sitting in
their chairs.
They each flip through their copy of the script.
JOCELYN
It's not just fatigue, Stephen.
It's the script.
STEPHEN
Ya think?
JOCELYN
It's hard for actors to spew out
lines they know their characters
would never say.
STEPHEN
I know, I know. It's a bitch to
hear them, too.
JOCELYN
We need a doctor.
STEPHEN
I put out calls. Nobody, and I mean
NOBODY, is picking up.
JOCELYN
Not even Johnson?
STEPHEN
No, not even that hack. And he's
the one who WROTE this crap.
JOCELYN
Oh, shit.
STEPHEN
Yeah, if you can't even get Johnson
to answer your calls--
Stephen and Jocelyn freeze in place. The lights come back up
on the set. The characters reappear in the set, each looking
fresh out of the costume and makeup departments. In
particular, Mindy's hair is back to its red splendor.
These are not the actors; rather, they are the PARKER GROVE
CHARACTERS manifest as entities who are independent from the
actors playing them. The distinction is not immediately
apparent to the audience, but it will become evident soon.
TREVOR
Oh, Christ. What are we gonna do?
CAROL
File for unemployment?
TREVOR
VERY FUNNY.
EVE
What happens to us if the show gets
cancelled?
BRENT is one of the older characters. He is a patriarchal
figure. He wasn't in the previous scene.
BRENT
I suppose we go back to where we
were before the show started.
TREVOR
Where the fuck was that?
BRENT
No idea.
MINDY
ENOUGH. It's not going to end like
this. I know who we need.
TREVOR
Who?
MINDY
Lester. They need to bring him
back.
BRENT
Do you really think Lester could
help?
CAROL
And even if he could, what can WE
do about it? They don't listen to
us--
MINDY
Maybe. Maybe not. If we work
together, perhaps we can bend the
rules a little...
TREVOR
What do you mean, bend them?
MINDY
Alright, everybody, LISTEN UP. This
has to be a group effort. Everybody
concentrate and repeat after me...
The lights over the set dim, and the characters disappear
from view.
A chorus of overlapping voices whispers:
PARKER GROVE CHARACTERS (V.O.)
Lester...Lester...Lester...
Jocelyn and Stephen start moving again.
Stephen has a glassy look in his eyes, as if he's under a
hypnotic spell.
STEPHEN
(dreamily)
Lester.
JOCELYN
What?
Stephen's eyes clear up. He seems alert again.
STEPHEN
That's who we need. We need Lester.
JOCELYN
THE HELL WE DO.
STEPHEN
Jos, they're his characters. If
anyone can figure out how to fix
this mess--
JOCELYN
--it's anyone BUT him.
STEPHEN
Who else can we get?
Jocelyn hesitates, then gets a defeated look on her face.
JOCELYN
Okay, fine. I'll track him down in
the morning--
STEPHEN
Now, Jos. Right now.
JOCELYN
You can't be SERIOUS--
STEPHEN
We need him to fix up this scene
before our merry band gets in
tomorrow. Start at Harvey's. Now,
chop, chop.
JOCELYN
He's going to want the money up
front--
Stephen writes a note on the front page of the script, tears
it out, and hands it to Jocelyn.
STEPHEN
Tell him that's my offer — my NON-
NEGOTIABLE offer.
Jocelyn reads the note, a surprised look on her face.
JOCELYN
Can we cover this--?
STEPHEN
Will it matter if we can't?
Jocelyn shrugs and gets up. Stephen follows her. They exit.
The characters reappear.
TREVOR
Do you think pushing random
thoughts into the director will be
enough to save us?
MINDY
No, not really. But it is a proof-
of-concept.
EVE
What do you have in mind?
MINDY
I'm the Machiavelli of the show,
right?
EVE
Sooo you plan to--
MINDY
--do something Machiavellian.
INT. A LOS ANGELES BAR -- NIGHT
LESTER sits at the bar, a sullen look on his face. He is in
his early forties, though his demeanor suggests a man with
many more miles than his age implies. He empties his shot
glass, puts it on the bar, and gestures to the bartender.
HARRY
That's it, Lester.
LESTER
What? I'm not drunk--
HARRY
You are, but that's not why I'm
cuttin' you off. Your tab is way
over my usual standard. I only let
you get this far out of the
kindness of my heart and my wife's
love of your show.
LESTER
Well, if you love the show that
much--
HARRY
I said, my WIFE loves your show.
The love scenes fulfill her sexual
needs, so I don't have to.
Jocelyn sits down on the barstool next to Lester. Lester is
so focused on Harry that he doesn't notice her.
HARRY (CONT'D)
But love has its limits, Lester.
You're a hundred bucks over yours.
LESTER
Come ON, Harry. Can you put a limit
on true love?
JOCELYN
Sure can.
LESTER
AHHHH!!!!
JOCELYN
And he's a lot more than a hundred
bucks over MY limit.
LESTER
JOS! I...I...what are you doing
here?
JOCELYN
Looking for you. The first four
bars I visited said you're no
longer welcome there. You're
getting a reputation, Lester.
HARRY
GETTING a reputation?
LESTER
Hey, Jos, I'm sorry the check is
late. I'll call the bank--
JOCELYN
It's not about that, Lester. I have
a job for you.
This takes Lester aback. Harry looks pretty surprised as
well.
LESTER
A...job? Doing what?
JOCELYN
We need a script doctor. You game?
LESTER
Script doctoring? That's not really
my specialty. For what show?
JOCELYN
What do you mean, what show? Parker
Grove, of course.
LESTER
What? Come on, Jos, that's not
funny.
JOCELYN
I'm as shocked as you. We even
installed a workstation for you on
the set. I know it helps you focus-
-
LESTER
You're serious? Who's authorizing
this?
JOCELYN
Stephen. Here's his offer.
Jocelyn shows Lester the torn-out page. Lester slowly reads
the offer, exerting some effort to focus through his
alcoholic haze.
Lester's eyes go wide as he reads, impressed with the amount.
Then he tries to put on his best poker face. He turns to
Jocelyn and opens his mouth to speak--
JOCELYN (CONT'D)
His NON-NEGOTIABLE offer. Take it
or leave it. And, please, leave it
so I can go home and get some
sleep.
Lester closes his mouth and nods his head.
LESTER
Okay, okay. What time do you want
me to come in?
JOCELYN
Right now.
LESTER
WHAT? NOW? But--
JOCELYN
Oh, please, give me an excuse. I'm
already paying the babysitter
overtime.
LESTER
Aw, geez. Alright, let's go.
Harry taps the bar.
HARRY
HEY. I'm THRILLED that fortune has
smiled upon you, Lester. Let me
remind you that 160 bucks of YOUR
good fortune is MY good fortune.
Jocelyn sighs and hands Harry a credit card.
JOCELYN
Fine. Add two coffees to go —
black.
LESTER
I'll have cream and sugar in mine--
JOCELYN
TWO COFFEES - BLACK.
HARRY
Comin' right up.
Jocelyn glares at Lester and holds out her hand.
JOCELYN
Give it, Lester.
LESTER
What do you mean--?
Jocelyn doesn't move. Lester gives up, pulls a metal flask
out of his jacket pocket, and hands it over.
INT. PARKER GROVE SET -- NIGHT
Lester sits at a workstation in front of the set. Jocelyn
stands next to him.
Jocelyn finishes off the coffee she got from the bar. Lester
stares at the screen, pondering the text.
JOCELYN
What do you think?
LESTER
You don't need a doctor. You need a
priest and a mortician.
Jocelyn sighs.
JOCELYN
You don't have to rewrite the
entire script, Lester. Just - fix
it up a bit.
LESTER
Fix it up? Have you read this piece
of shit?
JOCELYN
I know, Lester. It's a challenge.
I...I know you're up to it.
LESTER
Yeah...right. Okay, look, go home.
I'll hang out here. I'll have
something by morning.
JOCELYN
I don't know, Lester...
LESTER
Go home, Jos. See our kid. When he
wakes up, tell him...tell him I
said, "Hi." I promise, I won't go
anywhere until I get this done.
Jocelyn looks at him, sadness in her eyes.
JOCELYN
Yeah. Sure. See you in a few hours.
Jocelyn exits.
Once Jocelyn is gone, the bravado Lester pretended to have
evaporates. He shakes his head and looks at the screen with a
deer-in-the-headlights stare.
The lights on the set slowly come up, revealing The PARKER
GROVE CHARACTERS looking on.
EVE
It doesn't look like it's going too
well.
BRENT
No, it does not.
TREVOR
Fantastic. NOW what do we do? It
took all we had to convince the
director to call Lester. It's not
like we can--
MINDY
No, a simple suggestion won't be
enough. But remember, Stephen
didn't create us - Lester did.
Maybe that gives us a way in. Let
me try something. Everybody, focus
on me and concentrate...
Lester continues to stare at the screen.
LESTER
No, no, no, no, NO. GODDAM IT.
MINDY
Hi, Lester.
LESTER
AHHHH!!!!
Lester looks up and sees Mindy standing on the other side of
the monitor.
LESTER (CONT'D)
OH, MY GOD, AMY. JESUS, FUCK. You
almost gave me a heart attack.
MINDY
(a bit surprised)
You can see me. You can hear me.
LESTER
Of COURSE, I can see you and hear
you. How did you sneak up on me
like that--?
MINDY
I guess you were absorbed in your
work. How's it going?
LESTER
Um, it's, um...fine, it's going
fine.
MINDY
Really?
LESTER
Well...no. To be honest, it's not
going that great.
MINDY
Is there anything I can do to help?
LESTER
Ah, no, I don't think...hey, what
are you doing here this time of
morning?
(looking at his watch)
Are Costume and Makeup even open
yet?
MINDY
I decided to come in early. I
repeat, is there anything I can do?
Mindy walks around the desk. Despite her very high heels, her
footsteps don't make a sound as she walks across the hard
tile floor. Lester fails to notice.
Mindy stands beside Lester and looks at the screen.
Engrossed, Lester doesn't perceive how close she is.
LESTER
HA. No, no, not really.
MINDY
I've been playing this part longer
than you've been writing it. Maybe
I have something to offer.
LESTER
There's a lot more to it than that,
Amy. I'm the writer. You're the
actor. Let me write while you--
Lester turns to Mindy to find himself staring directly at her
breasts.
With some effort, Lester raises his gaze to her face.
LESTER (CONT'D)
--act. No offense.
MINDY
None taken.
Lester reluctantly looks back at the screen.
MINDY (CONT'D)
However, I'm not Amy - I'm Mindy.
LESTER
Uh, huh. Method acting? Not a fan.
I have to get back to this--
MINDY
I'm not joking, Lester. I'm the
real deal.
LESTER
Amy, please--
Mindy silently moves behind the monitor.
MINDY
Let me demonstrate.
Abruptly, Mindy's disembodied face pokes right through the
screen, like a ghost.
LESTER
AHHHH!!!!
Lester draws back several feet, horrified. He then faints and
falls to the floor.
END ACT I
ACT II
INT. PARKER GROVE SET -- MOMENTS LATER
Lester is on the floor, out cold. The PARKER GROVE CHARACTERS
gather around and look down at him.
TREVOR
Oh, great, you killed him.
MINDY
No, he just fainted.
EVE
How do you know?
MINDY
I think if he were dead, we
wouldn't be here anymore.
BRENT
That's going to happen anyway if he
doesn't let us help him.
MINDY
Yes, Brent, we know. He's coming
around. Everybody, back off. Let me
talk to the writer solo.
The characters drift away. Lester stirs.
LESTER
Oh...Amy. I had the nuttiest dream-
-
MINDY
No dream, Lester. I'm Mindy, not
Amy. I just poked my ghost head
through your monitor. I advise that
you stay on the floor in case you
faint again.
Eyes wide, Lester stays on the floor.
LESTER
It's...it's IMPOSSIBLE--
MINDY
Maybe it's your vivid imagination -
perhaps it's the fans' imagination.
Whatever it is, here we are. And
here we would like to stay - at
least until we have a decent
finale. You capiche, Lester?
LESTER
Did - did you say, we?
MINDY
Yeah, the rest of the cast is here.
Well, the regulars, not the guest
stars--
LESTER
Why can't I see them like I see
you?
MINDY
We thought it might be easier if
you saw me first. Do you want to
see the others, too?
Lester slowly nods his head.
MINDY (CONT'D)
Okay. Maybe you should lay your
head back on the floor, just in
case.
Lester complies.
MINDY (CONT'D)
Alright, everyone. Walk in SLOWLY,
okay?
The rest of the characters glide in. Like Mindy, their
footsteps can't be heard. Lester looks up at them with a mix
of fear and astonishment.
MINDY (CONT'D)
You okay, Lester?
LESTER
Yeah...yeah, so far. Can they
speak?
TREVOR
Yeah, we can speak. Can you hear
me?
LESTER
Five-by-five. This is insane - I'm
goin' nuts--
MINDY
Look, Lester, as much fun as it is
to chat with you, we're on the
clock. You need a script done by
morning. Are you game?
Lester nods and slowly gets up. The characters move out of
his way, careful not to touch him. Lester sits in his chair.
LESTER
I'm just doctoring the script, not
writing a new one.
BRENT
Oh, that simply won't do, my boy.
This piece of excrement cannot be
salvaged.
MINDY
He's right, Lester. But we have
some ideas that might help--
INT. THE PARKER GROVE SET -- MORNING
Stephen comes onto the set, coffee cup in hand, looking
bedraggled. Jocelyn sits in her chair and flips back and
forth through the new script, making notes.
STEPHEN
So? Did you find Lester?
JOCELYN
Yeah, he worked here all night.
He's in my office.
She gestures to her office, where we see Lester sacked out on
her couch, sleeping soundly.
STEPHEN
Any luck with his changes, or is it
more of the same?
JOCELYN
Oh, it's definitely not more of the
same.
STEPHEN
Is that good or bad?
JOCELYN
Stephen, listen - it's not exactly
what we were looking for--
STEPHEN
Oh, that bad, huh? Great. I'll make
some more calls--
JOCELYN
No, no, it's not that it's bad,
it's...
STEPHEN
What?
JOCELYN
It's - it's good. It's so GODDAMMED
GOOD.
STEPHEN
What? Please, Jos, don't shit me--
JOCELYN
No, Stephen, no shit. But, Stephen-
-
STEPHEN
Yeah?
JOCELYN
Lester didn't doctor the script.
STEPHEN
He didn't? Then what DID he do?
JOCELYN
He wrote a NEW script.
STEPHEN
WHAT? JOS--!
JOCELYN
Just LOOK at it.
She hands him the script. Puzzled but intrigued, Stephen
starts to flip through it.
STEPHEN
He...he CHANGED THE FATHER?
JOCELYN
Yeah--
STEPHEN
Jos, the entire rest of the fucking
SEASON pivots on the reveal of who
the real father is--
JOCELYN
KEEP READING!
Shocked at her vehemence, Stephen continues reading the
script. The more he reads, the more he gets engaged.
STEPHEN
This...
JOCELYN
Uh, huh.
STEPHEN
This...this is FUCKIN' GREAT.
JOCELYN
Right?
STEPHEN
But...how do we sell this to the
boss? The network? We would have to
throw out the scripts for the rest
of the season - and, probably, the
previous episode.
JOCELYN
You say that like it's a bad thing.
STEPHEN
It is if we want to keep our jobs.
It'll cost a FORTUNE.
JOCELYN
Look, we need to make a decision -
to go with this or stay on the shit
train to hell. I don't know. Maybe
this is a different shit train to
hell--
STEPHEN
No, no, I get it. At least we might
salvage something out of this
season, not to mention our careers.
Okay, get printouts for the cast,
then set up for rehearsals. Don't
worry about makeup or costume. We
need a day to work through this.
JOCELYN
The network will howl when you tell
them we aren't filming today--
STEPHEN
I'll fuckin' tell them tomorrow.
Come on, LET'S GO.
JOCELYN
Right.
STEPHEN
And, Jos - Lester had better have
something in mind for the next
script - and the one after that.
JOCELYN
Lester? I figured we could bring in
Johnson--
STEPHEN
That hack piece of shit can't touch
this level of writing. And anyone
who can, won't work for us anymore.
No, it's Lester or no one. Do you
think he's able?
Jocelyn looks over to Lester.
JOCELYN
Honestly? I don't know.
STEPHEN
Better find out, don't you think?
JOCELYN
Right...
Stephen and Jocelyn exit.
The set lights brighten to reveal the PARKER GROVE
CHARACTERS.
TREVOR
CAN Lester do this?
EVE
Can WE do this?
MINDY
I don't know. But think about how
Lester crafted us. Some of us are
pretty damned formidable. If Lester
can find a bit of that tenacity in
himself, then we have a chance.
EVE
Let's hope that life imitates art.
TREVOR
Isn't it the other way around--?
MINDY
Shut up, Trevor.
END ACT II
ACT III
INT. THE MANSION BALLROOM -- NIGHT
This is the same setup we saw at the very first scene. Once
again, the party has been interrupted by a scene instigated
by Trevor, Eve, and Mindy, all of whom are still at the
center of the action. All the other characters are staring at
the altercation between those three.
Mindy walks over to Eve and softly puts her hand on Eve's
shoulder. Mindy looks at Eve sympathetically.
MINDY
You have to tell him, Eve.
TREVOR
Tell me what?
Eve hesitates, unwilling to speak. She looks at Mindy, tears
in her eyes.
MINDY
(gently)
He deserves to know.
Eve steels herself and turns to Trevor.
EVE
...Trevor, the baby--
TREVOR
What?
EVE
--the baby...it's...it's not yours.
TREVOR
WHAT?
EVE
I'm so sorry--
TREVOR
Oh, god. If it's not mine... whose
is it?
EVE
Jonathan's.
The shocked partygoers look over to JONATHAN and his wife,
MADELINE. We have seen them in the cast, but this is their
first time speaking.
Jonathan looks flummoxed. Madeline isn't disturbed at all. A
look of triumph on her face, she downs her martini and turns
to Jonathan.
MADELINE
Thank you, Jonathan. This is the
best Christmas present you've ever
given me.
Madeline puts down her glass, turns her back on Jonathan, and
starts walking out of the room.
MADELINE (CONT'D)
I'll be at the penthouse roasting
your balls and the prenup you
violated. My lawyers will be in
touch.
Madeline exits.
JOCELYN (O.S.)
Annnd, CUT. PRINT.
INT. PARKER GROVE SET - CONTINUOUS
The camera pulls back to show the set. Once again, the
illusion surrenders to reality as the equipment, crew, and
green screens appear.
Stephen and Jocelyn sit in their chairs in front of the
monitor. Stephen looks quite pleased as he pumps his fist.
STEPHEN
YES!
Lester sits a few chairs away. He writes some notes on the
script.
JOCELYN
OKAY, EVERYBODY, GOOD JOB. GET SOME
REST. WE'LL MOVE ON TO THE NEXT
SCENE ON MONDAY.
As the actors exit, the PARKER GROVE CHARACTERS flow out of
their bodies and remain on the set.
The characters are all smiles. Madeline and Jonathan high-
five each other.
TREVOR
That was AWESOME.
MINDY
DAMN STRAIGHT.
STEPHEN
DAMN STRAIGHT.
Lester looks up from his script, confused by the same
response from multiple directions. Stephen is equally
confused by what he's just blurted out.
MINDY
Oops. Sorry. He's getting so easy
to push.
STEPHEN
What did I just say?
LESTER
You just...said how much you liked
the scene.
STEPHEN
Oh...right. Yeah, Lester, great
job. How's the next revision
coming?
LESTER
Pretty good. I'll have the final
draft done by tomorrow morning.
STEPHEN
GREAT, Lester. Anything I can do to
help?
LESTER
Nah, I'm good here. Well, maybe a
burger.
STEPHEN
Sure.
Stephen gestures to an assistant.
STEPHEN (CONT'D)
Burger. MAKE IT QUICK.
The assistant nods and rushes off.
STEPHEN (CONT'D)
Gotta go. Give Jos a call if you
need anything.
Lester nods. He shifts to his workstation and starts typing.
LESTER
Sure, later.
Stephen exits.
Amy enters. This is the real actor still in her Mindy costume
and makeup. Unlike Mindy, we can hear Amy's high heels click
on the floor.
Engrossed in his work, Lester fails to notice Amy.
AMY/MINDY
Lester?
LESTER
Hmmm? Oh, hi.
AMY/MINDY
How's it going?
LESTER
Pretty good. Let me finish this...
Lester taps some more, then looks up at Amy.
LESTER (CONT'D)
Okay. Got any suggestions for the
next episode?
AMY/MINDY
Suggestions? Um...you're asking ME?
LESTER
Sure.
AMY/MINDY
Well...actually, I just wanted to
thank you.
LESTER
Thank me? For what?
AMY/MINDY
For the changes you've been making
to my character. It's been such a
breath of fresh air.
LESTER
Well, I think the credit goes to
you, Mindy.
AMY/MINDY
Uh...Mindy? No, Lester, it's me,
Amy--
Mindy suddenly appears right next to Mindy.
LESTER
AHHH!!!
AMY/MINDY
LESTER? Are you okay?
MINDY (CONT'D)
She's NOT the real deal, Lester.
LESTER
I...I...
AMY/MINDY
Oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to
upset you--
LESTER
No, no...it's fine. I'm fine.
We...we're fine. When I get so into
the writing, I'm afraid my
imagination goes a bit...wonky. I
start confusing the cast with the
characters. It's a writing thing--
AMY/MINDY
Oh, sure, I see--
LESTER
What I meant was, I'm...
Mindy smiles, too bemused by Lester's predicament to suggest
how to get out of it.
LESTER (CONT'D)
...I'm so inspired by your
performance that the character -
your character, Mindy, speaks to
me. It's like she's telling me what
lines to write...almost.
AMY/MINDY
Oh. That's...that's very
flattering, Lester.
MINDY (CONT'D)
GOOD SAVE, LESTER.
LESTER
Thanks. I mean, you're welcome.
AMY/MINDY
I got so depressed with the way she
was written after you...left. The
new writers treated Mindy like she
was a two-dimensional harpy filled
with hate. She wasn't like that in
the beginning. I mean, you wrote
her to be tough, but she wasn't a
sociopath.
MINDY (CONT'D)
At least SHE gets me.
AMY/MINDY (CONT'D)
I know she's not supposed to be
perfect. I just want her to
be...human.
LESTER
That's...wonderful to hear...Amy.
Truly. I'm glad it's working for
you.
AMY/MINDY
Yeah. And this redemption arc for
Mindy? I'm getting mail from people
who actually LIKE her instead of
hate her. Who knew?
MINDY (CONT'D)
Yeah, who knew?
AMY/MINDY (CONT'D)
Well, I gotta go. I just...I guess
I'll see you Monday.
LESTER
Sure. See you then.
Amy exits. Mindy moves closer to Lester. She is chuckling.
LESTER (CONT'D)
Very funny.
MINDY
Oh, EXTREMELY.
Lester continues typing. Mindy turns serious.
MINDY (CONT'D)
She doesn't know, does she?
Lester pauses typing.
LESTER
...No.
MINDY
Eventually--
LESTER
Yeah, eventually.
Lester sits quietly, lost in thought.
MINDY
We...we can go over the script
tomorrow, okay? Why don't you go
home and get some rest?
LESTER
Nah, I gotta finish the B plot
tonight. I have some ideas. Brent?
Brent enters.
BRENT
Yes, Lester?
LESTER
This is your big scene. Come on
down, let's see what we can do.
END ACT III
ACT IV
INT. STAGE OF THE FELICIA TALK SHOW - NIGHT
The set is a typical late-night talk show. Show host FELICIA
sits behind a polished desk. There are seats to the left of
the desk filled with guests. Lester is the last guest of the
evening, indicating that he is higher on the food chain than
the others.
Lester is fashionably dressed and groomed. He looks alert and
relaxed. Lester is no longer the dissipated man we saw when
we first met him.
The scene starts with the audience applauding after returning
from a commercial break.
FELICIA
We're back with Lester Fetterman,
the creator and head writer of this
season's biggest hit, Parker Grove.
Lester, it's so great to have you
here.
LESTER
It's great to be here, Felicia.
FELICIA
This season has been quite a
turnaround for the show. How
exactly did it happen?
LESTER
Well, I was asked to make some
contributions to one of the
scripts...
FELICIA
Which episode?
LESTER
The best one, of course.
Felicia and the audience laugh.
FELICIA
Okay. So, how did a "contribution"
morph into getting back on the show
full-time?
LESTER
It wasn't really planned. I
suppose. When they liked my initial
changes, one thing led to another,
and here I am.
FELICIA
I think there was a lot more to it
than what you're telling us.
Lester hesitates for a beat.
LESTER
I guess...yeah, it was, but the
details don't matter. I will say it
took a lot of faith on the part of
Stephen, our director, to let me
try something different - to get
the show back closer to its roots.
Then he had to sell it to the
studio--
FELICIA
Are you saying the studio didn't
want you to come back on the show?
LESTER
...Any change in the middle of a
season is scary and has to be done
with great care. I don't blame the
studio for doing due diligence. At
the same time, they had the
flexibility to change their minds
when I showed them what I could
deliver.
FELICIA
And exactly how did you do that? I
mean, to put it generously, Parker
Grove had lost a lot of its
original audience--
LESTER
That's my fault, Felicia.
FELICIA
(taken aback by Lester's
admission)
Are you saying that you were
responsible for the show doing
badly? You left some time ago--
LESTER
I'm responsible for everything
going off the rails in the first
place. In the middle of the second
season, I started
having...difficulties, and...and...
FELICIA
Are you okay?
LESTER
Yeah, fine. You see...good
characters will tell you how to
write the story, but only if you
listen to them. Somewhere along the
line, I stopped listening.
FELICIA
You make it sound like your
characters are almost alive.
LESTER
I suppose I do. They seem alive to
me--
Lester turns from Felicia for a moment to look directly into
the camera.
LESTER (CONT'D)
--and for that, I am truly
grateful.
INT. PARKER GROVE SET - CONTINUOUS
The PARKER GROVE CHARACTERS are watching the talk show on the
set monitor. They are moved by Lester's comments, especially
Mindy.
INT. PARKER GROVE SET -- TUESDAY EVENING
MORRISON, the head of the studio, comes onto the set shadowed
by his hapless LACKEY. Morrison is in a ten-thousand-dollar
suit but exudes the oily vibe of a used-car salesman.
The PARKER GROVE CHARACTERS watch.
MORRISON
What's next?
LACKEY
Hyman Chance wants to do an on-set
interview with Mr. Fetterman. It'll
be a front-page spread in Variety.
MORRISON
Shit, why didn't you bring that up
first? Of course, book it. How soon
can we schedule it?
LACKEY
It's impractical during the week
while we are taping. We figure a
weekend date--
MORRISON
I know that, you IDIOT. WHICH
weekend?
LACKEY
Chance can give us either this
weekend, four days from now, or the
weekend after that. But Mr.
Fetterman already blocked off this
weekend to take his son to Comic
Con--
MORRISON
Okay, book it for this weekend.
LACKEY
But, sir, that's when Mr. Fetterman
CAN'T do the interview--
MORRISON
EXACTLY.
LACKEY
I don't understand--
MORRISON
Of COURSE, you don't, you DOLT.
Writers do their best work when
they have a boot on their neck -
especially if it's MY boot.
Lester has lost sight of that harsh
reality. This will reacquaint him.
LACKEY
Yes, sir. I'll let Mr. Fetterman
know he needs to cancel--
MORRISON
HELL, NO. Don't tell him YET. The
less warning, the better. I'll tell
him on Friday. If he hears about it
before then, I'll know that YOU
leaked it to him.
LACKEY
Oh, no, I would NEVER--
MORRISON
What's next?
Morrison and Lackey exit. The PARKER GROVE CHARACTERS watch
them go.
TREVOR
Geez, I know I'm an asshole, but at
least I was written that way.
BRENT
That chap's a BORN asshole.
EVE
POOR LESTER. Can't we help him
somehow?
Mindy says nothing, but has a determined look on her face.
INT. PARKER GROVE SET - FRIDAY AFTERNOON
The set has been struck for the day. Stephen, Jocelyn, and
Lester are in their usual chairs, going over a script.
Morrison and Lackey enter.
MORRISON
LESTER. GREAT job on Felicia's.
Just GREAT. How are you feeling?
Lester, Stephen, and Jocelyn all stand. The king is here.
The PARKER GROVE CHARACTERS view Morrison with disdain.
LESTER
Oh, Mr. Morrison. Fine, I'm fine.
Nice to see you, sir.
MORRISON
So, Lester, we have a great
opportunity, a GREAT opportunity.
LESTER
Oh?
MORRISON
Hyman Chance is going to interview
you for Variety.
LESTER
Hyman Chance? Wow, that's--
MORRISON
WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL. It's going to
be a major spread, front page.
It'll only take a day.
MINDY
Here it comes...
LESTER
Sounds great--
MORRISON
Chance'll be here first thing in
the morning. I figure his team can
start on the main set--
Jocelyn's expression darkens.
LESTER
Oh, sir, I'm afraid I have plans
for tomorrow.
MORRISON
Plans? Nothing important, I hope.
LESTER
Well, yes, sir. I'm taking my son
to Comic Con--
MORRISON
Oh, sorry to hear that. But,
there's one every year, right? I'm
sure you can make it up to him.
Lester stares at Morrison for a moment.
LESTER
That's one way to look at it.
EVE
NO, LESTER, YOU CAN'T.
BRENT
Come, now, my boy, don't let this
Philistine push you around--
MINDY
Have faith.
MORRISON
EXCELLENT, EXCELLENT. This will be
a great boon to the show.
LESTER
I hate to disappoint him--
Jocelyn glares at Lester. She can barely contain her rage.
TREVOR
DUDE! Don't do this.
MORRISON
I know, TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE, but
he'll learn that life is full of
disappointments.
LESTER
I'm sure Mr. Chance already knows
that.
Mindy smiles.
MORRISON
Excuse me?
LESTER
But it's a little too soon for a 7-
year-old to learn that lesson.
Perhaps I'll teach it to him NEXT
year. Please send Mr. Chance my
regrets.
Jocelyn's jaw drops. Stephen and Lackey look terrified.
Morrison turns a bright shade of red.
MORRISON
NOW, SEE HERE, LESTER--
LESTER
(looks Morrison right in
the eye)
Fire me.
MORRISON
WHAT?
LESTER
Fire me. I'm sure eventually, Mr.
Chance WILL interview me -
especially if you fire me for
taking my son to Comic Con. I'm
certain it would be
quite...newsworthy.
MORRISON
YOU CAN'T SPEAK TO ME THAT WAY--!
LESTER
Yet, I just did.
Excuse me, Mr. Morrison, I need to
go home and pack. My son wants to
get an early start tomorrow.
Lester turns his back on Morrison and walks away.
The PARKER GROVE CHARACTERS reappear in front of Lester. They
break out in cheers, applause, and whistles. Lester smiles as
he walks past them. He winks at Mindy.
MINDY
Life imitates art.
Morrison is apoplectic. He turns to Stephen.
MORRISON
GET HIM BACK HERE!
STEPHEN
YES, SIR, RIGHT AWAY, SIR.
(to Jocelyn)
GET HIM BACK HERE!
Jocelyn barely contains her laughter.
JOCELYN
YES, SIR, RIGHT AWAY, SIR!
Jocelyn hurries after Lester. After a few seconds, she
catches up with him.
LESTER
They send you to change my mind?
JOCELYN
Yep.
LESTER
Are you going to TRY to change my
mind?
JOCELYN
I'd rather poke my eyes out.
LESTER
Am I fired?
JOCELYN
They don't dare.
LESTER
Good to hear.
Lester stops and faces Jocelyn.
LESTER (CONT'D)
But if I were fired, I would still
take Kevin to Comic Con.
JOCELYN
Who are you, and what did you do
with the real Lester Fetterman?
Lester smiles and resumes walking. Jocelyn walks with him.
LESTER
I'm an alien from the planet Zarg.
The real Lester is on our ship,
where we are subjecting him to
unspeakably horrible medical tests.
JOCELYN
You mean, Kevin is going to get to
go to Comic Con with a real, live
space alien? COOL!!
LESTER
So, you don't mind that your ex is
being tortured in ways that would
make brave men cry?
JOCELYN
Parenthood is all about making
sacrifices.
LESTER
Uh, huh.
JOCELYN
Tell me - how did you know Morrison
was going to pull that shit?
LESTER
What do you mean?
JOCELYN
You KNOW what I mean. You're quick,
but you aren't THAT quick. Who
clued you in that Morrison was
going to try to force you to give
up your weekend?
Lester smiles.
EXT. PARKING LOT OUTSIDE THE STUDIO - DAY CONTINUOUS
Lester and Jocelyn walk out of the studio and into the
parking lot.
LESTER
Maybe I'm quicker than you
remember.
JOCELYN
True, I do remember our sex life--
LESTER
OW. Low blow, Jos.
I will never reveal my sources.
JOCELYN
It's his secretary, Harriet, isn't
it? You autographed a script for
her granddaughter--
LESTER
How's our little genius doing? Is
he looking forward to the Con?
JOCELYN
HA! Nice pivot. Okay, keep your
secrets.
He packed his suitcase a WEEK ago -
- costumes included.
Lester groans.
JOCELYN (CONT'D)
Oh, I think you two will look
ADORABLE as T. Rexes. I want
pictures.
LESTER
We'll ROAST in those things.
JOCELYN
He's six. Wait fifteen minutes,
then point out that you can't wear
a T. Rex costume and eat cotton
candy at the same time. Once
they're off, deflate them and hide
them in your backpack. He'll forget
all about them.
LESTER
Thank god.
They reach Lester's car.
JOCELYN
There is one thing I should warn
you about. He's having a Santa
Claus crisis.
LESTER
Oh, Jesus, did someone tell him
that Santa Claus isn't real?
JOCELYN
Not exactly. He measured the
interior of our fireplace, then
estimated Santa's waist size. He
concluded that Old Saint Nick
cannot POSSIBLY fit down our
chimney.
LESTER
Oh, boy...
JOCELYN
I told him you would explain it to
him.
LESTER
Oh, THANKS. Jos. Outstanding.
JOCELYN
You're welcome.
Lester opens the car door, but pauses before getting in.
LESTER
Gifted? That's what they said?
JOCELYN
PROFOUNDLY gifted.
LESTER
That...could be a problem.
JOCELYN
Yeah...yeah, I know. We need to
talk to him...soon. We don't want
him to hear all about it from the
media or the kids on the
playground. Or, worse, figure it
out on his own.
LESTER
No. No, we don't. I guess... we
have to teach him that life is full
of disappointments, after all.
JOCELYN
For now, give him this weekend. You
both need it.
LESTER
Yeah, we do. Thanks, Jos. I know
what it means for you to trust me
to take him on a trip like this--
JOCELYN
You earned it, Lester.
LESTER
I hope I didn't get YOU fired.
JOCELYN
Me? No. Who else would put up with
this shit?
Send my regards to Lester. Tell him
that his alien replacement stood up
to Morrison. I know the REAL Lester
would never do that.
LESTER
Will do.
Lester touches his temple as if receiving telepathic
transmissions.
LESTER (CONT'D)
They're starting the anal probe as
we speak.
JOCELYN
Oh, thank you for that vision.
Lester chuckles, gets in his car, and drives away. Jocelyn
watches him until he drives around the corner.
JOCELYN (CONT'D)
Please don't fuck this up, Lester.
The PARKER GROVE CHARACTERS appear in the parking lot.
EVE
Man, I thought writing for this
show was hard.
MINDY
No. Real life is hard.
TREVOR
No kidding.
END ACT IV
ACT V
INT. PARKER GROVE SET - NIGHT
Lester sits at his workstation. No one else is on the set.
There is a small framed picture of Kevin and Lester in their
T. Rex uniforms on the workstation.
Lester looks at the monitor with intense concentration and a
mix of anger and fear.
BEGIN MONTAGE
Lester types in new lines only to select and erase them.
Lester gets out of his chair and paces back and forth.
Lester goes to the break room to get more coffee. The coffee
maker is empty. Disappointed and frustrated, he starts
another pot.
Lester struggles to get a candy bar out of the vending
machine, pounding at the glass and shouting in rage when it
fails to deliver.
Lester ends up back at his workstation, once again staring at
the screen.
END MONTAGE
Mindy appears behind the workstation. At first, she says
nothing, waiting for Lester to acknowledge her presence. When
he fails to do so, she glides around the workstation to stand
beside Lester. She glances at the script.
MINDY
Long night?
Lester doesn't take his eyes off the screen. At first, it
seems he either doesn't sense her presence or is ignoring
her.
LESTER
Oh...it's just...you know.
MINDY
Want to talk about it?
LESTER
This episode, it...it should be
working.
MINDY
Uh, huh.
Lester takes his hands off the keyboard, leans back in his
chair, and sighs.
LESTER
Everything is there. Everything I
planned to do, the setup for the
next episode, everything...
MINDY
I can see that.
LESTER
IT SHOULD WORK...
It should work...
Mindy says nothing to that, waiting for Lester to respond. He
does nothing.
MINDY
What do you want me to do?
LESTER
I...I don't know. I have to
concentrate.
MINDY
I know.
LESTER
I don't mean to be rude,
but...could you just go away?
MINDY
I thought you would never ask.
But, instead of going away, Mindy moves closer to him.
LESTER
Um...that's the opposite of going
away.
MINDY
Then tell me again, but this time,
put your back into it.
LESTER
What?
MINDY
I said, PUT YOUR BACK INTO IT.
LESTER
I...I...I said...
MINDY
YES?
LESTER
Go away.
MINDY
AGAIN.
LESTER
I said...GO AWAY!
MINDY
IS THAT THE BEST YOU CAN DO?!
LESTER
I SAID...GO THE FUCK AWAY!!!
Lester is out of breath now. Mindy remains cool and calm.
MINDY
Exactly.
A look of realization comes over Lester's face.
LESTER
No.
Mindy stands there and looks at him.
LESTER (CONT'D)
No. It...it isn't necessary. Not
yet...
They stare at each other for a few more moments.
MINDY
Either you listen to me, or you
don't.
Mindy disappears. Lester stares at the spot where she was
standing for several seconds. He starts to speak her name,
then changes his mind.
Instead, Lester turns back to his workstation. He starts to
type, slowly at first, then faster and faster until his
fingers are a blur on the keyboard. Text splashes onto the
screen faster than we can read.
INT. PARKER GROVE SET - MORNING
Jocelyn arrives on set. Very few people are there yet. She
goes to her office to find Lester sacked out on the couch. He
looks quite bedraggled, sleeping in his clothes. She decides
not to disturb him.
Jocelyn walks over to Lester's workstation. She spots a
printed script beside the computer. She opens it up and
starts to read. A look of surprise comes over her face. The
more she reads, the more intense it gets.
JOCELYN
Oh my...fuck.
The PARKER GROVE CHARACTERS appear.
TREVOR
Did he do it?
EVE
He WOULDN'T.
MINDY
Oh, yes. Yes, he would.
BRENT
I didn't think the boy had it in
him.
MINDY
Neither did he.
TREVOR
Will Stephen accept this? Are we
going to put another whammy on him?
MINDY
No. Lester needs to earn this one
on his own.
EVE
Then...what's going to happen?
MINDY
What's going to happen? For once,
WE get to watch an exciting show.
INT. PARKER GROVE SET - LATER
Jocelyn is in her chair, still reading the script. Stephen
arrives.
STEPHEN
That the new script?
JOCELYN
Yeah...
STEPHEN
How much more has he got to go?
JOCELYN
It's done.
STEPHEN
Already? Ahead of schedule? That
scares me.
JOCELYN
As it should.
That makes Stephen pause.
STEPHEN
Oookay. That sounds ominous--
JOCELYN
I've read it twice. It's...
STEPHEN
Good or bad?
JOCELYN
It's brilliant.
Stephen regards her for a moment.
STEPHEN
You serious?
JOCELYN
This time of morning, I can't
PRETEND to be serious. Either I am,
or I'm not.
STEPHEN
I'm sensing a gargantuan "But."
JOCELYN
Your Spidey sense serves you well.
STEPHEN
Let me guess -- it's a fantastic
script, but I'm going to have to
risk my career defending it to
Morrison.
JOCELYN
Do you crawl on walls and shoot out
webs, too?
She holds the script out. Stephen takes it and sits down.
Instead of reading it from the beginning, he flips to about
five pages from the end.
JOCELYN (CONT'D)
You're not going to read the whole
thing?
JOCELYN (CONT'D)
I will, I will. But in my
experience, the last five minutes
of an episode either make or break
a director's career.
Stephen starts to read. The PARKER GROVE CHARACTERS appear
and watch.
TREVOR
Are we going to--?
MINDY
Down, Trevor. We aren't going to do
a goddammed thing.
Stephen's eyes widen with trepidation and awe.
STEPHEN
Oh, crapballs...
Stephen looks over to Lester's sleeping figure.
STEPHEN (CONT'D)
Thanks to that man, my therapist
has a new Lamborghini instead of
me.
JOCELYN
HA. Trust me, divorce lawyers are
more expensive than therapists.
What're you going to do?
STEPHEN
Have Props make a sign that says
"Ex-director of Parker Grove.
Please help."
JOCELYN
After they make one for me.
STEPHEN
Can Costume make us homeless
outfits?
JOCELYN
Sure.
STEPHEN
Lookin' forward to it.
Wake up Lester. We have to discuss
how I'm going to manage what comes
next.
JOCELYN
With great power comes great
responsibility.
STEPHEN
Oh, shut up.
Mindy looks on with a smile of victory.
INT. THE MANSION BALLROOM -- NIGHT
We are inside another Parker Grove episode as the viewing
public would see it.
There is no party this time. We only see Trevor, Eve, Mindy,
and Jonathan.
Trevor points a gun at Jonathan, who is about 10 feet away.
He holds the gun rather sloppily. His attire is rumpled. He
is unsteady and clearly drunk.
Mindy is about the same distance from Jonathan, off to his
side. She points a gun at Jonathan's head. She aims it like a
professional, holding the gun in a two-handed grip and
sighting down the barrel.
Eve is near Mindy. She is so pregnant that it looks like the
baby is about to drop out of her at any second.
EVE
Please, Trevor, you can't--
TREVOR
Shut UP, Eve.
JONATHAN
C'mon, man, please, we can work
this out--
TREVOR
Oh, I think you and Eve worked it
out pretty thoroughly, Jonathan.
I'm just dottin' the I's and
crossin' the T's.
EVE
TREVOR!
MINDY
Eve, PLEASE get out of here. Go
down the hall and call the police.
TREVOR
She knows the police won't get here
in time, Mindy. You know that, too.
You just don't want her to see what
comes next.
MINDY
If you shoot him, Trevor, there'll
be a bullet in your brainpan half-
a-second later.
EVE
(sobbing)
...it's all my fault...
MINDY
Eve, if you don't care about
yourself, think about the baby.
TREVOR
That's right, Eve, think about the
BABY. He's gonna be fatherless any
second now.
JONATHAN
Oh, god, Trevor--
TREVOR
SHUT UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!
MINDY
Trevor--
TREVOR
What are YOU complainin' about,
Min? Isn't this what you wanted all
along? Wasn't this your plan from
the beginning?
MINDY
I...I admit...I wanted Jonathan out
of Eve's life.
EVE
What?
MINDY
But not like THIS. Ruin him, sure.
But I never said ANYTHING about
murder. I would never go there--
TREVOR
I would. And since you won't--
Trevor swings his gun around to aim at Mindy. Both Mindy and
Trevor fire at the same time. Mindy's shot hits Trevor in the
middle of his forehead. He drops to the floor, dead.
Mindy crumples to the floor, wounded in the stomach, but
still alive.
EVE
MINDY!!!!!!
Eve kneels on the floor(awkward considering her condition) to
tend to Mindy.
MINDY
Did I...get him?
EVE
Oh, Mindy...
MINDY
It's okay, sis.
Jonathan comes over.
JONATHAN
Eve, let me see.
He gently moves Eve aside. He examines Mindy's wound with the
demeanor of a physician. Eve looks at him for some sign of
hope. He looks at her and shakes his head. Eve sobs.
EVE
Oh, Mindy, I love you--
MINDY
Can't imagine...why...
Mindy's eyes close. Eve sobs louder. Jonathan takes her into
his arms and comforts her.
JOCELYN (O.S.)
CUT! PRINT!
INT. PARKER GROVE SET - CONTINUOUS
The camera pulls back to reveal the Parker Grove set. As
usual, the bling and post-fixed effects disappear.
The crew helps the actors get off the floor.
Stephen, Jocelyn, and Lester are in their usual chairs.
Stephen and Jocelyn each have a script.
Lester does not have a script, nor is he at his computer. He
leans forward and looks intently at the set, as if he is
searching for something.
JOCELYN
OKAY, OKAY, NICE WORK TODAY, FOLKS.
BUT REMEMBER, THIS IS A CLOSED SET
FOR A REASON! NOT A WORD TO YOUR
SPOUSES, YOUR LOVERS, YOUR FRIENDS,
YOUR AGENTS, YOUR LAWYERS, YOUR
THERAPISTS, YOUR BARTENDERS, OR
YOUR PRIESTS - ESPECIALLY NOT YOUR
PRIESTS. I CAN TELL YOU FROM
PERSONAL EXPERIENCE, THOSE BASTARDS
CANNOT KEEP A SECRET!
Prop personnel take charge of the guns, each with a red
plastic plug on the barrel. These plugs weren't visible in
the previous finished scene.
Sabrina, the actress who plays Eve, is still on the set.
Sabrina gestures to Stanley, the actor who plays Jonathan.
SABRINA/EVE
Hey, Doc, you wanna give me a late-
term abortion?
Sabrina pulls up her maternity dress to reveal a large, round
pad, Velcroed to her body to simulate a pregnancy. She has
bicycle pants on underneath all that. Her castmate Stanley
laughs.
STANLEY/JONATHAN
This is what happens when you don't
practice safe sex, "Eve."
SABRINA/EVE
This is what happens when WE don't
practice safe sex, "Jonathan."
Stanley pulls off the Velcro straps and helps Sabrina remove
the padding.
SABRINA/EVE (CONT'D)
THANKS, Stanley. God, my back.
STANLEY/JONATHAN
Sure, no problem.
SABRINA/EVE
The next time my husband talks
about having a kid, I'm going to
make him wear this goddam thing for
a few days.
As Sabrina and Stanley exit, Eve and Jonathan split off from
their respective actors and stay on the set.
EVE (CONT'D)
(holding her bloated
stomach)
I feel our pain, sister. Hey
Jonathan, can you--?
Eve pulls up her maternity dress to reveal a real stomach
bloated with pregnancy.
JONATHAN
Whaddya want ME to do about it?
EVE
I don't know. Doctor it away
somehow?
JONATHAN
I'm not a real doctor. I play one
on TV.
EVE
Christ. Fifteen weeks ago, I had
Sabrina's figure. Now--
JOCELYN
THE STUNT UNIT CAN HAVE THE SET FOR
THE REST OF THE WEEK. EVERYONE
ELSE, REPORT TO THE MEMORIAL
SERVICE SET TOMORROW, BRIGHT AND
EARLY.
The remaining actors walk off the set. Most of the PARKER
GROVE CHARACTERS flow out of the actors and remain on the
set. However, Trevor and Mindy fail to emerge from Gary and
Amy. Lester looks on, increasingly alarmed.
Stephen looks over to say something to Jocelyn and notices
Lester's distress.
STEPHEN
Lester? Are you alright?
LESTER
I...I'm, uh...
JOCELYN
Lester...it was the right thing to
do.
Eve and Jonathan look at Lester with expressions of concern.
LESTER
I...I know. I keep telling myself
that...
STEPHEN
Lester, this will work. The ratings
are going to skyrocket--
LESTER
I DIDN'T DO IT FOR THE RATINGS.
Lester's strong response takes Stephen aback.
JOCELYN
Hey, Lester, take it down a notch.
LESTER
I...I'm sorry, Stephen. That was
out of line. It's just--
Amy/Mindy approaches them. She holds out her red wig.
AMY/MINDY
Can I keep the wig? Or do you want
it back?
All three of them stare at her, not sure if she's serious or
joking.
AMY/MINDY (CONT'D)
Just kidding. I'm sure the studio
will eventually auction it off for
a million bucks to some shopping
network mogul.
See you at the restaurant.
Amy exits, but not before she shoots a withering glare at
Lester. Lester looks stricken. Jocelyn notices the exchange.
JOCELYN
She'll get over it, Lester. It was
just...she didn't see it coming.
LESTER
Yeah. I know the feeling.
STEPHEN
How would you know the feeling? You
wrote it.
LESTER
I, um, yeah, I guess I did. But
sometimes, the writing takes you by
surprise, you know?
STEPHEN
I don't know, not even a little.
Look, she gets paid for the rest of
the season even though she doesn't
have to tape any more episodes. And
because of you, there's going to BE
a rest of the season.
The crew is almost finished cleaning up the set.
LESTER
Hey, uh, would it be okay with you
guys if I hung out here for a
while?
JOCELYN
Are you going to the restaurant?
Everyone will be there.
LESTER
Sure, sure, I'll get there. I might
be a little late. I...just need to
center myself a bit before I leave.
JOCELYN
Sure. See you there. Don't let the
time get away from you.
Stephen and Jocelyn get up. Stephen exits.
JOCELYN (CONT'D)
And, Lester--
LESTER
Yes?
JOCELYN
This is your best work. I mean it.
Your best. It's going to get you an
Emmy, guaranteed.
LESTER
That's...very nice of you to say.
Thanks, Jos. It means a lot.
JOCELYN
See you at dinner, Lester. Don't
make me send the crew to get you.
LESTER
I won't.
Jocelyn and the last of the crew exit.
The PARKER GROVE CHARACTERS come over to Lester.
EVE
I would ask how you're doing,
but...
BRENT
It was a brilliant piece of
writing, my boy, brilliant.
JONATHAN
Mindy and Trevor felt the same way.
LESTER
You think so?
EVE
We know so, Lester.
LESTER
But...I KILLED them.
BRENT
NONSENSE. You gave them a dramatic
exit. That's the best outcome
creatures like us can hope for.
LESTER
So...they're really gone?
EVE
Who knows? We don't know how this
works any more than you do.
LESTER
I'll miss them. GOD, I'll even miss
TREVOR!
JONATHAN
Me, too. And the bastard tried to
SHOOT me.
Lester laughs despite his grief.
BRENT
Lester, you're feeling what your
audience feels - deep, personal,
intense pain over someone who never
truly existed. Isn't that what
every writer aspires to?
LESTER
I...wouldn't exactly put it that
way. But I appreciate the
sentiment, Mister Never-Truly-
Existed.
Brent smiles.
LESTER (CONT'D)
I'd better go. Everyone will be
waiting for me.
I should say, though, to all of
you, thank you. I owe you. I owe
HER.
EVE
We know, Lester. We owe her, too.
But, before you go, can you do one
more thing?
LESTER
Sure. What do you need?
Eve gestures at her extremely bloated belly.
LESTER (CONT'D)
OH. My goodness. Give me a
second...
Lester transfers to his workstation and types. Suddenly,
Eve's baby bump disappears, and a newborn baby appears in her
arms.
EVE
OH!!!
The baby starts wailing like a banshee. Eve smiles weakly.
EVE (CONT'D)
Um, thanks. But could you--?
LESTER
Yeah, sure thing.
Lester types some more. The baby stops crying and falls
asleep. He looks like an angel. Eve's smile brightens.
EVE
Thanks. EVERYONE, LOOK. I'M A
MOTHER!
The PARKER GROVE CHARACTERS ooo and ahhh and gather around
the new baby. Lester smiles and exits.
END ACT V
ACT VI
INT. PARKER GROVE SET -- NIGHT
Lester sits at his workstation, typing away. He is wearing a
dapper suit.
Jocelyn enters. She's wearing a hot party dress and heels.
It's a big contrast to her utilitarian workday clothes.
JOCELYN
Lester, please, you CAN'T be
working on a script.
LESTER
Outline for next season. I had some
ideas--
JOCELYN
Which isn't due for another week.
The wrap party starts in a few
minutes.
LESTER
Sure, just one--
Jocelyn turns off the monitor.
LESTER (CONT'D)
HEY.
JOCELYN
Take. A night. Off.
Seeing she means business, Lester nods.
LESTER
Okay, taking the night off.
Lester closes his laptop.
JOCELYN
I have some news about Kevin.
LESTER
Oh?
JOCELYN
Our six-year-old prodigy has
figured out how calendars work.
LESTER
Not surprising. That kid amazes me.
JOCELYN
He also found out how long a baby
sits in Mommy's tummy before it
comes out.
LESTER
Oh, boy.
JOCELYN
He backtracked Rebecca's birthday
and compared it to when our divorce
went through.
LESTER
Jesus.
JOCELYN
He doesn't understand how Rebecca
can be Eric's daughter since you
and I were still married when she
was put in Mommy's tummy.
LESTER
Let me guess. You told him I would
explain--
JOCELYN
I told him WE would explain it to
him this weekend.
LESTER
Woo, boy.
JOCELYN
It's time, Lester.
LESTER
Yeah. Yeah, it is. It's not going
to be fun, though.
JOCELYN
I know...
Jocelyn gathers herself.
JOCELYN (CONT'D)
I'm...I'm sorry about this, Lester.
LESTER
Jos, I was an ass. I should have
signed the papers months before you
and Eric...got together. It wasn't
your fault, or Eric's - it was
mine. It's time I own up to it.
JOCELYN
Lester...you've come a long way.
LESTER
I'm workin' on it. Go ahead, I'll
catch up in a few minutes.
JOCELYN
DON'T turn that computer back on.
LESTER
Promise. I just need to lock up my
laptop.
JOCELYN
Okay, see you there.
Jocelyn exits. Lester unhooks his laptop from the workstation
and puts it in his case. He walks over to his office.
INT. LESTER'S OFFICE -- CONTINUOUS
Lester opens his desk drawer, places his laptop case inside,
closes the drawer, and locks it. Before he can look up, he
hears a voice:
AMY/MINDY
Still working after hours?
Amy is standing in his doorway dressed as Mindy.
LESTER
AHHH!!!
AMY/MINDY
Sorry, I'm always startling you.
LESTER
I...I...MINDY?
AMY/MINDY
Um, gosh, still in writer mode,
Lester? No, it's just plain old
Amy.
LESTER
But...you're...
AMY/MINDY
Everyone in the cast is going
dressed as their character,
remember?
LESTER
Oh...right. I forgot. I'm...I'm
glad you made it, Amy.
AMY/MINDY
It was an honor to be invited. I
figured everyone would have
forgotten me by now.
LESTER
Oh, no. That would be impossible -
at least, for me.
AMY/MINDY
That's...so nice of you to say,
Lester. I figured you might be mad
at me. I was such a bitch the last
time we saw each other.
LESTER
No, no, you were okay.
AMY/MINDY
I was so upset. This was such a
great role. I loved playing Mindy -
at least, when YOU were writing
her.
LESTER
I loved watching you play her. I
never saw an actor with a deeper
understanding of a character. I
wrote the words - you breathed life
into her. I meant it when I said
that you inspired me.
AMY/MINDY
Wow. I forgot about that. You only
said it that one time.
LESTER
Like I just told Jos, I can be
quite an ass. I'm sorry. I should
have said it loudly and often. I
apologize.
AMY/MINDY
Oh. No need, Lester.
There's an awkward silence for a beat.
LESTER
What have you been up to? Got any
new projects?
AMY/MINDY
Lots of offers, but most of them
are Mindy Two Point Oh. I'm hoping
for something different.
LESTER
You ever thought about science
fiction?
AMY/MINDY
Science fiction? I haven't done one
of those.
LESTER
I'm working on a script for a sci-
fi space epic. Nothing deep, just a
fun romp. The lead is a badass
adventurer-turned-revolutionary. I
wrote him to be a guy--
A male alien appears next to Amy. He has purple skin, orange
hair, an outer-space outfit, and tons of attitude.
LESTER (CONT'D)
--but a female version would work.
The alien turns into a version of Amy, still with the orange
hair and purple skin.
AMY/MINDY
Really? A BADASS adventurer?
LESTER
VERY badass.
AMY/MINDY
Could I keep my hair this time?
The alien's hair changes to match Amy's dark, luxurious
locks.
LESTER
Absolutely.
AMY
And normal skin? Zoe told me the
green skin drove her crazy.
The alien's skin color switches to flesh color.
LESTER
Yep, normal skin.
AMY/MINDY
With a ray gun?
A ray gun appears on each hip.
LESTER
One on each hip.
Amy smiles.
AMY/MINDY
Got a script?
LESTER
It's still a draft, but I can show
it to you. Want me to send it to
your agent?
AMY/MINDY
Um...do you have any free time
later this week? Maybe we could
discuss it over dinner. There's a
nice Italian place near where I
live. It's got enclosed booths
where we can speak privately.
LESTER
I, um, okay. Next Saturday? Seven
o'clock? I'll be visiting Kevin
earlier in the day, but we should
be done by then.
AMY/MINDY
Next Saturday it is. I'll make
reservations. You want to pick me
up at my place?
LESTER
Sure.
AMY/MINDY
I'll text you the address.
LESTER
Sounds like fun.
AMY/MINDY
I guess I'll get to the
festivities. You going?
LESTER
Be there in a couple of minutes.
AMY/MINDY
Okay. Nice seeing you again,
Lester.
LESTER
You, too, Amy.
Amy exits. Lester pulls out his phone to add the date to his
calendar.
ALIEN MINDY
She likes you.
LESTER
AHHH!!!
It's the new alien speaking, but with Mindy's voice and
mannerisms.
ALIEN MINDY
Gosh, Lester, you're as jumpy as
ever.
Lester frowns, processing that this can't be Amy.
LESTER
Mindy? IS THAT YOU?
ALIEN MINDY
In the--
(looks down at her outfit)
--whatever this is.
Overwhelmed, Lester launches himself at her and grabs Mindy
in a bear hug. She reflexively hugs him back.
ALIEN MINDY (CONT'D)
LESTER?
LESTER
I didn't think I'd ever SEE you
again.
ALIEN MINDY
LESTER!
LESTER
What?
ALIEN MINDY
LESTER!! WE'RE TOUCHING EACH
OTHER!!
Lester pulls back, shocked.
LESTER
We...we ARE! HOW?!
ALIEN MINDY
I - honestly don't know. Let me try
something--
Mindy passes her hand through the door.
ALIEN MINDY (CONT'D)
Well, that hasn't changed. And Amy
wasn't able to see me. Maybe I'm
more real to you now than I was
before.
Lester hugs her again, to be sure he still can.
LESTER
I don't care how.
Lester releases the hug.
LESTER (CONT'D)
Tell me, what happened to you?
Where have you been?
ALIEN MINDY
You got me. We were filming the
scene where I got shot. Next thing
I know, I'm here.
LESTER
Weird. You look different - but
you're still Mindy.
ALIEN MINDY
You writers are always recycling
characters.
LESTER
Hey, you don't waste the classics.
ALIEN MINDY
(flattered)
Oh. I'm a classic?
LESTER
The MOST classic. I'm not the only
one who thinks so. Follow me.
Lester leads her out of the office.
INT. PARKER GROVE SET -- CONTINUOUS
Lester and Mindy walk out to the darkened set. The lights
rise, revealing the PARKER GROVE CHARACTERS.
EVE
MINDY!!!
ALIEN MINDY
GUYS!!!!
Mindy rushes over to the group. They gather around her and
exchange hugs.
BRENT
MY DEAR CHILD! We missed you so.
MADELINE
Oh, my GOD, where did you get this
cool outfit?
JONATHAN
How did you get back?
ALIEN MINDY
Lester, of course.
The group turns to Lester.
EVE
LESTER! THANK YOU.
LESTER
I'm not exactly sure how I did it.
BRENT
No matter, my boy. All that matters
is that we're all together again.
JONATHAN
Almost all. What about Trevor?
ALIEN MINDY
You haven't seen him?
EVE
Not since your characters offed
each other.
MADELINE
Lester?
LESTER
I...I don't know.
This quiets the mood a bit.
LESTER (CONT'D)
Mindy - what you said about Amy
liking me--
ALIEN MINDY
She has ALWAYS liked you, Lester -
a LOT. You had your head too stuck
in your scripts to notice.
LESTER
You sure?
ALIEN MINDY
If she only wanted to audition for
the part, she would tell you to
send the script to her agent, not
invite you to dinner, you dummy.
Lester's eyes narrow at the insult.
LESTER
Okay, okay, message received,
MINDY.
ALIEN MINDY
GOOD! I can't hold your hand ALL
the time, Lester. Now get to the
party and TALK to her. I've got a
lot of catching up to do here.
LESTER
Fine, I'm going. I'll see you all
later.
Lester turns and starts to exit the scene. Just before he
leaves, Lester turns back.
LESTER (CONT'D)
You know what a badass alien
resistance fighter needs? A badass
alien SIDEKICK.
Lester turns and exits.
It takes a moment for Mindy to figure out Lester's meaning.
ALIEN MINDY
Oh, no. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!
LESTER, DON'T YOU DARE--!
An alien version of Trevor, attired in the alien costume,
complete with purple skin and orange hair, pops onto the set.
He looks down at his costume and purple hands, astonished.
ALIEN TREVOR
WHAT IN THE HOLY FUCK!?
CUT TO:
INT. HALLWAY -- CONTINUOUS
Lester walks down the hall. From behind him, we hear:
ALIEN MINDY (O.S.)
LESTER!!!
Lester grins.
The sounds of the party become audible. A light shines on
Lester's face. He walks into the party--
CUT TO:
INT. THE MANSION BALLROOM -- CONTINUOUS
The set looks almost identical to the show's first scene with
chandeliers, wall bling, etc. It's as if Lester has walked
into a bona fide episode of Parker Grove.
In addition to the Parker Grove cast, there are crew members,
real waitstaff, a band (or DJ), and a staffed bar.
As Lester enters, a variety of people greet him and say
hello. Even Morrison has forgotten their alteration for the
moment and shakes Lester's hand. Lester is polite but
perfunctory.
Amy catches his eye. Lester walks over to her.
LESTER
Are you enjoying being back "home?"
AMY
Seeing you guys is great,
but...it's all so SURREAL. And I
sure don't miss this wig.
LESTER
Understandable.
AMY
I can't stop thinking about
Saturday. I'm looking forward to
it.
LESTER
Me, too. Let me get a drink, and we
can talk some more.
AMY
GREAT.
Lester walks over to the bar. The bartender is cleaning
glassware. His back is turned.
LESTER
Can I get a diet soft drink,
something with lots of caffeine--?
The bartender turns around. It's Harry from the bar where we
first met Lester.
HARRY
Yes, sir, right - LESTER.
LESTER
HARRY.
HARRY
I wondered if you would be here.
LESTER
Nice to see you. But what about
your job at the bar?
HARRY
This is just a side gig.
LESTER
Ah.
HARRY
It's been a while since I last saw
you. Did you give up on booze?
LESTER
Not exactly. I only have the
stamina to engage in one addiction
at a time.
HARRY
Oh? What's your new addiction?
LESTER
Writing.
HARRY
With most of my customers, it's
either cocaine or meth.
Harry hands a glass of soft drink to Lester.
LESTER
This is much more insidious. In
this joint, I get PAID to indulge
in my addiction.
HARRY
Is it worth it? Are you in a good
place?
LESTER
Am I in a good place?
The PARKER GROVE CHARACTERS, including Alien Mindy and Alien
Trevor, appear behind Harry. They smile at Lester. Lester
smiles back.
LESTER (CONT'D)
I'm in the BEST place. I'm in
PARKER GROVE.
END ACT VI
FADE TO BLACK
ROLL CREDITS
POST CREDIT SCENE
INT. THE MANSION BALLROOM -- CONTINUOUS
Repeat the last scene of the movie.
LESTER
I'm in the BEST place. I'M IN
PARKER GROVE.
MOVIE DIRECTOR (O.S.)
CUT! PRINT!
INT. PARKER GROVE MOVIE SET -- CONTINUOUS
The camera pulls back to show the set of THE PARKER GROVE
MOVIE.
The vaulted ceiling, chandeliers, and beautiful wall bling
disappear, replaced by boom mikes, green-screen panels, and a
crew made up of university students.
Facing the set are the MOVIE DIRECTOR and the WRITER, seated
next to each other.
MOVIE DIRECTOR
ALRIGHT, THAT'S A WRAP. GOOD WORK,
TODAY, ESPECIALLY YOU, VICTOR.
VICTOR/LESTER gives the director a thumbs up.
LESTER, the character, separates from Victor and gives the
Writer a thumbs up. The Writer subtly responds with his own
thumbs up.
MOVIE DIRECTOR (CONT'D)
OKAY, PEOPLE, BREAK IT DOWN AND GET
THE EQUIPMENT BACK TO THE STORAGE
ROOM BEFORE YOU GO HOME.
The students hustle about the set. A long pause ensues.
Finally:
WRITER
That was pretty cool.
MOVIE DIRECTOR
Uh-huh.
Another pause.
WRITER
About my grade--
MOVIE DIRECTOR
We'll see.
END POST CREDIT SCENE